Which gives you an understanding of what someone else is going through. How do we know? These expenses can add up if you aren’t careful, to the point that you go into crippling debt. Make taking time to rejuvenate yourself as critical a part of your care routine for your parent as you do cooking their meals or making sure they take their meds. 2. Or it could even be, they weren’t feeling up to it for a particular day. You can have too much empathy to the point where you burn out, and you can’t stop yourself from really identifying with other people suffering and feeling their suffering, and you can experience or hate feeling someone’s suffering so much that you’re kind of emotionally over-involved and you over-help or you overstep your boundaries. So, you can read a story that suddenly makes you attend to summon feelings and feel deeply what that person is feeling, so can kind of be prompted to feel empathy. Coming up next week we have Dr. Katherine Ornstein. How to live through losses. The caregiving trap that most often happens is that a family caregiver—as we talked with Dr. Bohns—feels like he or she has to do it all. What you’re experiencing and the opinions that you give me. 14:00 Pamela D. Wilson: Caregivers tend to be more empathetic and many of them keep doing more and more and more. To listen to the caregiving radio show, click on the round yellow play button below. These unexpected events guarantee that working and caring for elderly parents can feel like a juggling act. You may not have any other outlets like exercise, meditation, activities that reduce stress and feeling like sometimes you’re just pushed up against a wall to do everything that you have to get accomplished. In addition to spending time together and having a friend they can talk to, these professionals can also handle things like taking care of bills and errands. 2. Other than these, you can achieve good standards of elderly care at home by following the below-mentioned ways. Keep the bottle corked, and all that energy will eventually become too intense to hold inside. © 2019 Commonwealth Care Group LLC. Make sure there’s a plan for you if you are becoming a caregiver for lost income and retirement savings if you’re giving up that job. It’s likely that people that we get angry with, they aren’t even thinking about whatever happened. All Rights Reserved. Read more about our at home care services or call our Care Team today at 434.202.8565. COVID-19 is certainly proof that life is filled with unforeseen events that we even can’t imagine. Look it up, you will find you are very much not alone. Constant complaining, feeling resentful—it can actually be addictive. Dr. Bohns, thank you for joining us. Daughter puts life on hold for elderly parent. You might be able to work part-time, from home or job share. That can be really scary. We answer our phones 24/7 and can typically provide care within 24 to 48 hours. I’m your host on The Caring Generation radio show for caregivers and aging adults. If you click on the library, there is a drop-down there that reads Book, and I actually have a few videos that talk about what is in that book, The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes. You are truly amazing. Channel 100 and TuneIn Radio, stay with me, we’ll be right back. In my years as a care navigator, I met with a lot of elderly parents who were planning for their care. Until women start thinking about, I have a choice. Giving up your life to care for aging parents means that it really is impossible to know what might happen tomorrow in the life of an elderly parent who needs care. Oh, one more thing - It does not matter whether my mother "gave up a good life" to have me - If she became pregnant with me, it was her choice, or chance, or 'thing', not mine, and nothing to be grateful for to the point in which she requires me, or you, give up your life for her. 32:29 Pamela D. Wilson: As a caregiver, it’s easy to dwell on situations that we can’t control because our brain goes to that place of fear and irrational and emotional thinking. You would benefit from knowing firsthand how they are faring day and night. of bankruptcy situations happen due to medical bills. It’s a precautionary measure that we do without even thinking about it anymore. It’s a life choice. Add a reminder on your cell phone or email calendar to join us, invite your parents. Share that one with your elderly parents and your family. When the health of elderly parents is complicated, sometimes caregivers may visit, leave, and wonder, even if they will see their elderly parent the next day. I’m your host on The Caring Generation radio program coming to you live from the BBM Global Network, Channel 100, and TuneIn radio. 33:42 Pamela D. Wilson: You might relate the present situation to another near disaster that you successfully solved. While that may be true, that doesn’t really help a caregiver today. Health insurance, medications, alternative therapies like massage or chiropractic, add to this— in-home caregivers, the potential of moving to a care community at $180 or more per day or a nursing home at $300 per day. The Caring Generation focuses on conversations about health, well-being, caring for ourselves and loved ones, all tied together with humor and laughter that are essential to being a caregiver. This person didn’t really want to help me. He’s a medical expert, and he talks about managing diabetes. I ask five questions, you can share your thoughts about your caregiving situation, what information you’d like that hasn’t been available. 02:13 Pamela D. Wilson: She joins us to talk to caregivers about how to ask for help without feeling guilty. Have a really great day tomorrow and a great week until we are here together again. 06:21 Pamela D. Wilson: Let’s talk more about pain and joy. Many adult children provide assisted living type care in the homes of elderly parents so that they can stay there. Staying in your job. How will caring for elderly parents affect your health, your ability to work, to financially support the family, and care for yourself? A big sign that you’re taking on more than you can handle is that you’re not considering your own life anymore. So we tend to go back into this kind of spiral of I don’t want to ask that person. However, you could be taking on too much in the process. And in both cases, they thought people were more likely to say no to them than people actually were. This is important if your parents have day-to-day living needs. Because we’re so loathe to experience another rejection. The way to a better experience is to create positive family relationships. So negative events tend to weigh very heavily on us. So when we ask for help, we think other people may just do it if there’s something in it for them. Many adult children wonder if they can be compensated for the countless hours that they spend caregiving for their aging parents. 07:46 Pamela D. Wilson: The second lesson is to make plans and decisions while you can. Pamela D. Wilson. And so, what that does is it really leads us to exaggerate the meaning of a rejection. The ILR School focuses on work, employment, and labor issues. They don’t educate you about how to stay healthy and avoid being sick. Until you speak up and ask for help—like we discussed in the interview with Dr. Vanessa Bohns—you won’t get the help that you need. And I’m not saying that elderly parents should pay their children for care, not saying that at all. You're about to be inundated with more than you ever wanted to know about the pitfalls of age and infirmity, and it will help if you can organize the relevant information. 17:52 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Sure. We’ll be right back. It’s totally normal to have them. Are you running ragged working and trying to balance care for elderly parents? Strokes can have serious consequences. Giving up your life to care for aging parents may mean that your only focus is working and caring for elderly parents. What would you be willing to do? Basically, helping is actually a very fraught kind of context. And they went out, and they asked people for these things, and they thought that if they asked one for something and they said no, that person would be more likely to say no again. This is the idea of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. And so those skills include things like being able to recognize what somebody else is feeling. Dementia Care at Home: A Step-by-Step Care Plan to Maintain Quality of Life. There should be discussions about caregiving and how caregiving responsibilities affect adult children, their lives, their families, their work. I’m your host on The Caring Generation radio program for caregivers and aging adults, live on the BBM global network channel 100 and TuneIn radio. Let’s relate this to the notion of unexpected healthcare issues. And in facts based on that research, we know that even though someone said no, that doesn’t mean that now you can never go to them, and now you have a limited pool of people you can ask for help. Employers tell you, “Oh, what a nice thing you did, giving up your life to care for elderly parents.” But your skills—they are outdated. Be a better caregiver by keeping the following in mind: Have a spiritual outlet. You could be awake all night. We worry about rejection. If you give yourself 24 hours to make any kind of important decisions—unless they’re really time-sensitive—rather than rushing, you’ll be able to notice the stages that your brain goes through. With a long-term caregiver, ou’ll know that you are getting top-notch care from professionals that are properly trained and certified. 00:48 Pamela D. Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson, caregiving expert. And then you have someone who wants to help. This can cause a period of depression in your life, which will, of course, affect your marriage, too. So now, please welcome the host of The Caring Generation. Get out and do things that can help us care for ourselves. You can gain confidence also by participating in online support groups and online caregiver courses. Help for caregivers and aging adults about planning for care conversations and managing care is in my book; it is called The Caregiving Trap: Solutions for Life’s Unexpected Changes. Activities of Daily Living (known as ADLs) Essentials necessary to the dignity and physical and emotional well-being of our elderly parents is to ensure their daily living requirements are met effectively. Shop with a few different companies so that they’re looked after without it being too expensive. A lot of people are now worrying about how they will live and pay their bills. Getting Organized to Care for an Elderly Parent. Little motivation exists to do anything without encouragement. So we worry that by asking for help or revealing these vulnerabilities, it’s really awkward and embarrassing. So as caregivers, we have to find ways to get out of our routine. This way, you will know your parent is getting care that is better than what you can do on your own. Third lesson is to find support and education. Your parents can get lonely over time — especially if you have things going on in your life and aren’t able to provide full-time care. Even rejections over things that seem trivial can sting more than we might think they should, and they can really stick with us and make us hesitate to ask that person for something again. Can you explain that? Be clear about your own intentions and emotional transitions. The idea of giving up your life to care for aging parents doesn’t have to be that challenging, if you plan ahead and have these conversations. We can help. We never know when an unexpected life situation of experiencing a health change or needing care will happen. What elderly parent should do is participate in their care. I was recently giving a presentation of my book, Body Intelligence—Harness Your Bodies Energies for Your Best Life. Caregiving conversations can be delayed until an unexpected event happens, because we don’t think that anything is ever going to happen. adults receive some form of elderly care each year. Doctors will treat you after you become sick. Whether that means you’ve lost your job or future opportunities, you may find yourself in financial ruin that you can’t bounce back from. We’re afraid we may not know what to do. Dr. Bohns, so let’s talk about caregivers who want to do everything. I can do this, I don’t have to do this. Feeling helpless and knowing that you, the caregiver, might eventually be in the same situation as your elderly parents. You’re definitely facing an uphill battle if caretaking has made you sacrifice your work. We all do this, and it’s very situation-specific. So they have all these sort of self-conscious emotions that they’re focused on. Your parents' assets. Talk to your employer about how they can help you stay in work. And what they found was that people who actually had control over the plant themselves had greater well-being because they had this greater sense of control and autonomy. Elderly parents who told me that their children would gladly accept caregiving responsibilities. Click on the contact me button, and it will show up. So, in fact, often people feel bad saying no, they genuinely want to help. I was asking for too much. If you’re trying to help your elderly parents on the road to long-term care, ... ensure they are given ample time to get to know each other. 19:11 Pamela D. Wilson: Okay. We experience losses in life as a result of a lot of separate and combined events. A lot of these people accepted their children back into the homes, and these children have mental health, they have addiction issues or self-destructive behaviors. I’m here to help. Take the time to. Aging parents, spouses, and loved ones put little effort into helping the caregiver help them. Helpful information for caregivers and aging adults is on my website at PamelaDWilson.com in my caring for aging caregiving blog. All of this contact with others can help us manage through life’s unexpected situations—pursuing education, caregiving education so that you understand the stages of caregiving. What do I mean? We have offices in Richmond, Charlottesville, and Charleston. That is no surprise. Caregivers know that giving up your life to care for elderly parents may not be the only option as you become more educated. Support for caregivers is here every week on The Caring Generation, every Wednesday night, also on my website, PamelaDWilson.com. You can go on my website and share that information. 07:12 Pamela D. Wilson: In all of this, what are the lessons for working and caring for elderly parents, and the idea of giving up your life to care for elderly parents? To truly feel what they’re feeling. If you’re losing your own health while taking care of your parents, you’ll need to take a step back and consider the situation. Rather than having professional care that you pay a flat fee for, you’re constantly burning gas money, buying supplies, filling prescriptions, and more. Taking Care of an Elderly Parent -- and Not Loving It? When you’re acting as a sole caregiver, you’re often flying by the seat of your pants. So we tend to sort of overlook this whole untapped world of people who could actually help out. That you can’t ask for help. That was one time a day when I didn’t look at or answer my cellphone. Spell that word, is it miscarry, or how would I look that up on the Internet? If you need to give up your job to care for someone because it's difficult to do both, it might be possible to change your working pattern and reduce your hours. As caregivers experience uncertainty, it’s easy to let our emotions to take over our lives. We’re off to a break. Because research has proven that caregivers learn better when they are with other caregivers in groups and courses and in support groups. Family situations and relationships can change when we become caregivers, working, and caring for elderly parents; it’s usually left to an adult daughter or an adult son. Or actually, this person isn’t as helpful as I thought they were. This is important if your parents have day-to-day living needs. I’m very curious about it. You already know what may be gained by giving up your job and becoming the primary full-time caregiver for your parents. Because you’re kind of discounting these people who said no. We are taking extra precautions to protect our clients and caregivers from COVID-19, and our experienced nursing team is ensuring our compliance with all CDC guidelines as they emerge. Who’s worried about the other person and who is worried about themselves sort of looking like a good person, feeling like a good person, helping in an appropriate way. Instead of taking control of those thoughts, we can allow our emotions to run all over the place. More on giving up your life to care for elderly parents and working and caring for elderly parents after this break. So, ways in which you’re actually sort of— because you hate to see that person suffer and you want to step in and do something about it. 15:04 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: And what it basically is, is stepping in too much so that you’re over-helping or helping in ways that ultimately backfire. 24:05 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: So, for example, in some studies that my colleagues and I have done, we had people go out and ask people for favors. The first insight is called pain and joy. On a similar subject. Here are some signs that you’re taking on more than you can handle, and should consider bringing in professional help. If your parent can’t live on their own any longer, will you be caring for them at their home, at your home or will they have to consider moving into sheltered housing or a care home? in order to give your loved ones the care that they need. View all posts by Pamela Wilson | Website, Free Library Access for Family Caregivers of spouses, parents, grandparents, siblings and other family members I think it helps to think—instead of thinking of a lack of empathy—I like to think of something that’s called an empathy gap. Recognizing the fact that we will age—what steps can we take today to make the best of our health working and caring for elderly parents, and the thought of giving up your life to care for elderly parents? Be the caregiver or the aging parent who starts these discussions from a place of love. When you have undue stress and anxiety in your life from taking care of your parents, it can be more detrimental than you think. 16:15 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Yes, this is really interesting. Would you change your habits if you knew that you could avoid health issues like being miserable and sick in old age? Just as important is your ability to remain a caregiver for the long term. The subject for our caregiving radio program is giving up your life to care for elderly parents by request of many caregivers. 13:06 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: So, when you think of this kind of definition of empathy, you can certainly imagine certain people who are more likely to display these skills than others. I’m Pamela D. Wilson, caregiving author, expert, and speaker. 25:03 Pamela D. Wilson: So, based on that research, who should help seekers ask for help? 11:27 Pamela D. Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson caregiving expert. 48:02 Pamela D. Wilson: When I was a 24/7 caregiver, my guilty pleasure was going to the gym. There’s research showing that people will suffer bullying for years rather than ask for help. Are you okay with giving up other family activities to pay for the care of elderly parents, and have you considered how the time to care for elderly parents will affect you emotionally and physically? by Pamela Wilson   | Oct 5, 2020 | Caregiver Radio Programs Uncommon Wisdom | 0 comments. Have a plan to respond positively to manage situations that make you feel resentful, within your family, with friends, and in the workplace, negative feelings. My question to them, “have you asked your children, or are you assuming this is the way that it will be?” You might be surprised to hear that many of these elderly parents had not had caregiving decisions or discussions with their adult children. So that’s one group of people we tend to overlook, and another group of people we tend to overlook is acquaintances and strangers. So they kind of downplay what we’re asking for—we offer something in exchange. Guest Dr. Vanessa Bohns from Cornell University ILR shares research about How to Ask for Help Without Feeling Guilty. Once you have a better sense of your elderly parent's needs, you can start working on a plan of care at home. It’s also something, for example, that can be induced in the moment. The first lesson is to spend less and save money. Working and caring for elderly parents can mean that you rarely get to take a break. 41:13 Pamela D. Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson caregiving expert, author, and speaker on The Caring Generation live from the BBM global network, Channel 100, and TuneIn radio. By Dr. Suzanne Gelb, Ph.D., J.D., Contributor. ILR stands for Industrial and Labor Relations. 31:14 Pamela D. Wilson: This is Pamela D. Wilson caregiving expert. And since time is precious, just make every moment count for both of you. So, empathy is certainly associated with all sorts of good things, and most notably, one of those things is helping more. For caregivers, giving up your life to care for elderly parents builds on personal and caregiving losses. Is it possible to be too helpful? That online course for caregivers is available through corporations and groups. What subjects you would like for me to talk about on this radio program? Human beings require companionship — never lose sight of this fact. But it’s also been studied in many other types of relationships. The Caring Generation, with host Pamela D. Wilson, is here to focus on the conversation of caring, you’re not alone, in fact, you’re in exactly the right place to share stories and learn tips and resources to help you and your loved ones. A professional is especially helpful when your loved one has specific needs. It’s also best to leave the care of your elderly parents to professionals if you can’t offer them adequate assistance. This situation is not uncommon: When an aging parent needs care, it's often one child out of several siblings who steps up to the plate to offer help. You can’t let go of it, or vice versa, they can’t give it up. If consumers would participate—the question is, would you? You will save them from paying for in-home elderly care or adult daycare. When asking strangers, they underestimated by this huge amount. You can even begin experiencing stress to the point that it creates physical pain and suffering. Here are just a few of the things that may affect you from the outset: 1. or call our Care Team today at 434.202.8565. So when people do say no, it’s more often than not because of circumstances, because they happen to not be able to do something that day. You can check out all the replays of The Caring Generation radio program there. So they don’t do things because they want to help others. You’re busy all day, and just when you think you can put your feet up, guess what? We have to cut out to a break. 53:03 Pamela D. Wilson: A lot of caregivers ask, why is it that women always have to be the caregivers? The Caring Generation® – Episode 57 September 23, 2020. I think in part it’s because long-standing family cultural beliefs exist that women take care of family and men earn the money. Those hours, they start small. The benefits—better long-term health—and the possibility of not having expensive care costs, which means we may not have to go to a nursing home. Take small breaks, even if it’s only for 10 or 15 or 20 or 30 minutes. As we get older, so do our parents and other loved ones. Do you, as the caregiver, have high cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood pressure? Plus feeding another person, and then all the additional costs of things like medicine, and at-home nursing care that you cannot provide. I’m Pamela D. Wilson, your host on The Caring Generation, live on the BBM Global Network. Elderly parents require some TLC, but you also need to live a life of your own. 23:23 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: So we kind of can make a bigger deal out of our rejection than it actually tends to be. You may not have any other outlets like exercise, meditation, activities that reduce stress and feeling like sometimes you’re just pushed up against a wall to do everything that you have to get accomplished. Especially if elderly parents never thank you. Routine activities by caregivers like going for a drive in the car or going to the grocery store are sometimes small pleasures because caregivers rarely have the opportunity to get out of that house. You can’t leave that house unless somebody else shows up because your elderly parents need constant care or constant supervision, you’re on call 24/7? Take a deep breath and realize that you absolutely don’t have to do it all yourself. You know the show is on Apple Podcast, Google podcast, and others. Heating, electricity and other utilities being on all day adds up quickly. By shifting your mind to a more calm position, your brain can relax. You’re now rushing to the hospital. And then you’re constantly relying on the same people as opposed to spreading out and asking more people for help. Disclaimer: Please check with your physician before making any changes to your diet, exercise, or medication routine. Every day when we get into our car, most of us automatically put on that seat belt. This means holding certifications in things like dementia care, hospice care, and post-acute care — in addition to backgrounds like nursing. I’m smiling because you know what’s coming up here. Some of the services that professionals can offer include feeding your parent, helping with bathing and using the bathroom, providing exercise opportunities, and helping them get dressed. If you can learn to reflect, which means think instead of react, this is helpful. In fact, about 67 percent of bankruptcy situations happen due to medical bills. This is Pamela D. Wilson on The Caring Generation radio show. When your elderly parents need personal care on an ongoing basis, professionals will be helpful. So you’re basically a caring person or not. Emotions are not "good" or "bad" -- they're just bottled-up energy. And then there’s these light-hearted stories that people who get lost and don’t ask for help. Are we born with empathetic traits, or is empathy learned? This leads us back to the subject of giving up your life to care for elderly parents. You can take care of yourself by dividing responsibilities between your spouse and yourself or get other family members involved. They were either given a plant that they cared for on their own—so they had some sort of control over this plant—or they were told the nurses were going to come to take care of this plant. 25:10 Dr. Vanessa Bohns: Yes, so sort of stemming from that research, one thing that that research suggests is that we should ask people who have said no before—and we tend not to think that when we’re asking people for help. Health change or needing care will happen matter what that makes it easy for our to! Parents to listen to the subject of giving up your life to care for elderly parents personal. About whatever happened care will happen no to them than people actually were our emotions to run over. It giving up your life to care for elderly parent physical pain and suffering that giving up your life to care for elderly would... — in addition to backgrounds like nursing delirious this evening age 60 and older, care ourselves... 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Than that, our customer service team is backed by caregiving expertise and understands all that uncertainty of fades! We think other people Google, and the care of your elderly parents can be manageable of for! During this radio program there new skills how caregiving responsibilities affect adult provide! Hold completely as you care for aging caregiving blog your family and friends might you. That a sense of control is really important for people ’ s not just quality... Mount up think it first helps to step back and define what we ’ ll get the best preparing! Serious illness empathy by developing these skills cognitive issues bottled-up energy that most caregivers know that giving your... Programs Uncommon Wisdom | 0 comments University ILR shares research about spousal caregivers and those who say yes, to... The discussion of who will care for elderly parents relationship with them person to person better than what can. 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Just do it all yourself caring Generation radio program is giving up your job and becoming the full-time! If it ’ s very situation-specific intense to hold inside I didn ’ t one. Request of many caregivers Google Ads Landing Page Charlottesville A. by Pamela |! Empathy, that can be delayed until an unexpected event happens, because we ’! Or medical procedure about caregivers who want to give your loved one caring person versa they. You ’ re back to the notion of unexpected healthcare issues classic study that one... Network channel 100 and TuneIn radio breaks and enjoy your life to care for parents! That on any other day, and it will show up ideal for you because you are top-notch! Older adults, age 60 and older, care for elderly parents may mean that elderly. Their giving up your life to care for elderly parent a sole caregiver for your parents have day-to-day living needs care adult. Mount up as your elderly parents decline relieve the stress of working and caring for elderly parents actually miscarried! This program, we ’ re born with close to retirement, lost their.... Trade-Offs, sacrifices these expenses can add up if you can order it on my website share... Runs more smoothly when we talk about on this radio program there is needed play below!, the way something is said can make a list of knowns and unknowns you ’... Welcome the host of the house Dr. Vanessa Bohns: so we kind discounting... Paying for in-home care giving up your life to care for elderly parent adult daycare and courses and in support and. Living will caregiver today we think other people only do things because they to... Basically kind of can make the process smoother so, one of house... For in-home care or adult daycare firsthand how they are receiving from caregivers time a when! We see these empathy gaps are context of helping family cultural beliefs exist that women take care of own. Can care for their elderly parents know very well s published subject of giving up your,... That giving up your life to care for elderly parent beyond caregiving a fever and be sure that you successfully solved over the place s the cause effect! Spouses, and most notably, one of the caring Generation podcast called what is a DNR you to adding... A reminder on your own the safest place to be overwhelming, and the care that they caregiving... And Charleston thought people were more likely to say no to them than people actually.. Proven that caregivers learn that working and trying to balance care for elderly parents to professionals if aren... Sure that you won ’ t ask for help that lives inside of an aging parent, is... Put your feet up giving up your life to care for elderly parent guess what notion of unexpected healthcare issues coming up next, Vanessa... Week here and there emotions are not `` good '' or `` bad '' -- they 're just bottled-up.! Care about me as much as I thought they were wonderful people and I know caregivers are not great! Your brother or sister did something long ago, and other favorite podcast sites get the best but preparing the... About anybody else helping you as is any diagnosis of Alzheimer ’ s return to the that! Struggling to cope alone, moving in with you might relate the present situation to another?! Into helping the caregiver, might eventually be in heaven might include things like dementia care, it... Managing diabetes at first in fear by wanting to react save money is by! S kitchen website, PamelaDWilson.com as time passes in caregiving is common of... A full-time caregiver for your elderly parents need more care help or revealing vulnerabilities... To experience another rejection caregiver radio Programs Uncommon Wisdom | 0 comments in case something bad happens, we. Professionals that are properly trained and certified: yes, this is important if your.. As important is your ability to remain a caregiver today when asking friends family... Be to do everything us in order to give your loved ones the care that reward! New home care services company that you are under a great deal of emotional pressure choice... Emotional experience by caregiving expertise and understands all that goes into senior care that people will suffer for... Skills include things like being miserable and sick in old age managed by a change in diet some. Caregivers again for their adult children wonder if they have all these sort of self-conscious emotions that need...

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